Funny Quotes

Credit: I found these online, and they made me smile. As you can see, I clearly didn’t make them up. Thought of course, If I had, I wouldn’t be claiming they were someone elses…Never mind…

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
– Stephen Wright.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
–Sue Murphy
I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell,   ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’
-Bruce Baum
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
– Ellen DeGeneres.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)
Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.
– Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)
I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
– Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
– Walter Bagehot
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
– Yogi Berra
He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.
– Robert Gronock.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Contrary to popular belief, “Damn It” is not God’s last name.
(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they’ll use all their fingers.
– Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.
Sometimes you’re the windshield; sometimes you’re the bug.
– Mark Knopfler.
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.
– Barrymore.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
– Mork, Mork and Mindy
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
– Dick Cavett

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
– Dan Quayle
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
– W. C. Fields.


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